joy in the lonely

today was a good day. a great day! in fact the whole weekend was wonderful. A and i visited with friends, played, went to the park, went to church, went for walks, and celebrated Easter. Yet i have this pervasive feeling of loneliness. i so desperately want a man to share my life with. one who enjoys doing the day to day stuff and being a parent. i thought i had found him but like all my relationships have been, its complicated. and now im not so sure its going to work out and it is just so soooo disappointing. i am lonely. i want a partner. i want security and love. i want stability.

BUT.

i am choosing joy and abundance with where i am and what my life is now.

{me and my girl going for a nature walk on a beautiful day}

recharging

photo credit

today has been a wonderful day of recharging my batteries. i have had leisurely coffee breaks (twice), got my hair trimmed, and spent a good amount of time being inspired by the amazing people all over the interwebs. ;)

i am back here writing again because i have felt the need this week to be conscious of joy, and the art of practicing it. it takes work for me. i get so stuck inside my head, analyzing and overanalyzing situations and relationships and the future and how to better myself and my life and it gets.. overwhelming! i have to actively step back and find the joy. i need to practice it.

just yesterday i was rather sad about a relationship that i dont feel is going anywhere and is kind of fizzling out. but today, after feeling recharged and reflecting, i realize that i am looking to that relationship and that person to make me happy.. an impossible task to ask of anyone or anything!! happiness and love comes from me. from inside me! it has to radiate out from that starting point and spill over... i cannot look elsewhere to be filled with it. how liberating this realization is!! my relationships dont have to be perfect. they dont have to always give me the butterflies. he doesnt always have to lavish me with loving words and constant touch. that fulfillment and joy has to come from me. and i have to be fine with or without someone doing those things. now i can go into our space again full with my own joy and not demanding that someone else fill me up.

so thankful for rest and reflection!

simple

1. COTTAGE GATE, 2. Cottage #00 Kitchen PS II, 3. meetinghouse and new gardens, 4. Cottage, 5. Cottage garden, 6. Cottage Window, 7. Cottage, 8. dandelion, 9. Cottage

Building the Universe

photo credit

On a summer morning
I sat down
on a hillside
to think about God--
a worthy pastime
Near me, I saw
a single cricket;
it was moving the grains of the hillside
this way and that way
How great was its energy
how humble its effort
Let us hope
it will always be like this
each of us going onin our inexplicable ways
building the universe.

--Mary Oliver

This is life

Credits:

1. Books usually follow the leaves., 2. Waiting for a blow, 3. giant bathtub, 4. avocado

This is my life today...

1. I bought some avocados last night and they were hard as a rock.. came home today to have lunch and they were perfectly tender and ready for my salad... as if they knew they were bought and needed :) 

2. I am waiting for a baby to join us earthside. I am so excited for this particular birth.. this baby has some amazing parents! 

3. I have started a new part time job (2 weeks ago actually), cleaning a house for a family. It is tiring and rewarding in strange ways.

4. It is a beautiful fall day here, and I am going to hide away in the tub for a while with some epsom salts, a good book, and a candle burning. Because I can. And because I stink from all the cleaning ;) 

5. My eczema is flaring up in this dry and cold weather, and I am using the most divine hand cream... it is called "Shea Moisture Organic Baby Head-to-Toe Ointment". It has frankincense and myrrh in it and it smells sooo amazing. 

Quote of the Day

(source)

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happy Birthday Baby!

Just before turning 4! 

Yesterday my baby turned 4. (#Ohmygoshwherehasthetimegone?!!!?) I feel like she is more "little girl" than toddler now, and when I think about it I start to panic at how fast she is growing up! We spent her birthday doing lots of fun things.. we played in the morning and then went to see "Puss in Boots", which she loved! Then we went to a playground for a bit. After dinner my sister and nephews came over and we all had cake and she opened presents. I cherished every moment with my baby while simultaneously looking at her with awe and wonder at how big she is, and the appreciation of WHO she is.

She is my purple girl. If she sees anything purple she gets excited and exclaims "purple is my favorite color!" Hence, she wears purple clothes almost every day and got to have a delicious purple birthday cake ;)

She is as always SO STINKING SMART! She reasons with me and asks me things like.. if this is this way, what about that other thing?,.. and so on.

She has an incredible memory, especially for songs. She can hear a song a couple times and then be singing along. We love to sing in the car and she loves to be videotaped while she's singing. Her current favorite songs are "Hey Soul Sister", "Stuck Like Glue", and "Hey Na Na". She also heard "Moves like Jagger" ONCE in her daddy's car and has been singing the chorus all week... hahaha

She is so funny and witty! She loves to tease me and her papi (dad). She actually makes her own little jokes! She loves to dance and make silly faces just to get a laugh out of us.

She likes the bad guys in stories and movies. If judging whether or not she wants to read/watch something, she must first find out if there are bad guys and what their names are. lol

She is starting to have "best friends"... and even if she meets someone at the park and they play nicely for 2 minutes, they are suddenly her best friend!

She loves to dance and "perform". If she has an audience, she will put on a show!

She loves to put on makeup with me in the morning and is almost always wearing lipstick at some point in the day.

She is as strong willed as ever! When she wants something she is very persistent! She will sometimes talk about it for DAYS if she doesn't get her way..ha!

Classic Arabella "stink face" :) 

She went through a "strap" phase this year when everything she wore had to have straps. (Like a tank top).. lol

She is such a sweetheart. She can be very moody but at her core is a heart of gold. She doesn't like upsetting people (especially mommy) and she loves to please.

Her current alter ego is "Suuuuper girl!" ~ Her self proclaimed mission is to save people from "bad guys and mad scientists". LOL.

She loves dogs as much as ever, and Grandma's dog LuLu is one of her favorite "toys" in the world.. ha

She is a mama's and papi's girl. She loves us SO MUCH, loves to cuddle and play and be near us.

She still wants to breastfeed at nap and bedtime. I know!! Is she EVER going to wean? No signs of it happening any time soon and I have finally come to terms with bf'ing a 4 year old, despite the chagrin of close friends and family!

 I love my baby girl and I am soooo happy and proud to be her mama. I am treasuring every moment!

Happy birthday to you, my sunshine. You are the light of my life!!!